I know it's just a commercial, but I can't help but relate to poor Mindy. Us quiet folks get overlooked a lot, though admittedly that's often the way we like it. We need just enough human interaction to get us by, and then we retreat back into isolation. We really do need that dose of acknowledgment, though.
As a stay-at-home mom, I've never gotten a tremendous amount of adult interaction. Throw moving into the mix, and I have now kissed nearly all meaningful grown-up conversation goodbye. I don't plan on walking up to a muscular stranger and stroking his biceps, but I do feel a little invisible at the moment.
You're probably tired of hearing about how we moved again, but darn it, that's just where I'm at right now. I got so spoiled when we moved to Tallahassee, because we clicked with those friendly Crossbridge folks right off the bat. It was unrealistic to expect it to happen again, but my expectations don't seem to care about what is unrealistic.
Thank God for a husband who listens, phone conversations with sisters, and a steady stream of out-of-town family visits. I don't mean to be ungrateful, but I would also really like to make some friends who live nearby. You know, like an Anne of Green Gables style bosom friend. We wouldn't even have to make up imaginary, romantic names for everything around us. I'd just settle for some coffee dates where we can talk about girl stuff.
Anyway, enough whining. I'm only mentioning the negative so I can bring up the positive. This is gonna sound weird, so try to keep an open mind. A couple nights ago at church, I had a "you are not invisible" moment. It wasn't comical like Mindy's, but it was so much better.
I had a conversation with several adults who seemed to be genuinely interested in me, none of whom were a cashier or someone else being paid to be nice to me, and it lasted more than sixty seconds. It was more than a "Hey, how are you?" "Fine. How are you?" It may have only lasted about ten minutes, but it was fabulous. It wasn't a super deep conversation, but it went beneath surface level. I talked, they listened and responded, and there were no children interrupting us. Heavenly.
But wait, there's more!
One of the ladies I was talking to gave me one of those friendly back rubbing gestures. You know what I'm talking about? Not the awkward pat, but what I consider to be a heartfelt expression of caring. Just a few seconds of physical contact that weren't prompted by the preacher asking us to greet each other.
I almost got all choked up, but I mentally slapped myself in the face and yelled, "Keep it together, crazy!" I don't think it would have done much for my chances of friendship with this group if I cried during our first real conversation. I have to keep the neediness under wraps and let it out slowly. ;) You ladies know what I'm talking about.
(It's OK to share it here because they're not my facebook friends yet!)
At any rate, the whole interaction left me feeling wonderful. It's a shame that my kids were super whiny and ruined it minutes later, but I enjoyed the brief elation nonetheless. I felt like a part of something again. I was visible and maybe even valuable.
As usual, there is a point to sharing this story. I've been reflecting a good deal about how I used to treat others who were new to a group of my own. Did I regularly take compassion on those who were trying to find their niche in the group, or was I just content with being comfortable myself?
Making others feel welcome is something everyone can participate in, and that goes for any group setting. (Church just happens to be the only group I've made time for here thus far.) Even introverts like myself share in that responsibility. Sure outgoing individuals make others feel welcome initially, but the quieter ones are more likely to take the conversation to a deeper level. I don't mean to say that more outgoing folks are shallow, just that they are more likely to keep walking around the room and be friendly to everyone in a group setting. The introverts are fine with honing in on one individual to converse with.
In truth, both of these types of interaction are necessary. If you're friendly and bubbly, keep being yourself. If you're not, and I'm talking to myself here, you might have to make a more concentrated effort to help others feel connected. (aka: Force yourself to go against all that is within you.)
If you're a lonely newbie like me, hang in there! Connections will be made with time, though that knowledge isn't always comforting in the moment. And don't fall into the trap of waiting for others to come to you. I am definitely struggling with that at the moment, so no judgment here. Sometimes it's hard to even find opportunities to put myself out there, though. Here are a few things I've found to be helpful over the years.
1. Don't rely on facebook for social interaction. It's nice for about five minutes, but then the feeling of connection is gone. Plus it really is just not the same as being face to face. ((((Hugs)))) are not the same as hugs, and typing is not the same as talking.
2. Get involved in a church that cares. The body of Christ was meant to be exactly that- one body. We have been blessed to find a church with caring people in every city that we've lived in. We were not meant to live this life alone, but rather to share each other's burdens.
3. If you're a young mom, join a MOPS group. The whole purpose of MOPS is to connect moms with other moms. For me personally, MOPS was a lifesaver. I found out I wasn't alone in my mom frustrations, learned how to be a good friend (and made some lifelong friendships), received mentoring from well-seasoned moms, and became a meaningful part of a group with a real purpose.
4. Speaking of purpose, volunteering is a great way to make some connections as well. In addition to blessing someone else, you immediately have a common bond with the people you're working with. There's such a wide variety of volunteer opportunities to choose from, not the least of which is the church nursery. There's a perfect blend of work (which prevents awkward silence) and time to chitchat. (You're welcome, nursery directors.)
5. Pray about it. (Sunday school answer alert!) I'm serious, though. God is a more faithful friend than any other. He is sufficient, though I do genuinely believe God created us to live in community. Pray that God would allow you to find someone else who needs your friendship just as much as you need theirs. He is faithful to answer that kind of prayer.
And don't forget, you are not invisible!
I'll close with a few words on friendship from the always wonderful Beth Moore. (If you're not a mom, simply change the minivan and playdate references to fit your own situation!)
"My point is, Moms, you’ve got to have you a support group of other moms. Many who are peers. Others who are just ahead of you. They will be used of God to get you through everything from the mundane to the morose. As I told my class last night, our ancient female ancestors walked to wells and rivers together to get water. Our great grandmothers quilted and canned together. We, instead, are imprisoned in our minivans driving breakneck speed, thinking a few maniacal minutes on a cell phone can replace a regular play-date where believing moms can take some time to laugh and share. I don’t think it’s a luxury. It’s a necessity for mental (and often spiritual!) health! [...] Those kinds of [intimate] relationships don’t take place in five minutes. They take years. Crises. Prayers. Divine favor. Your fellow moms are some of the most priceless treasures God has bestowed on you to cheer you on your way to the finish line of young parenting. Grab some arms and do it together."
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