From a tomboy like Sunnie

I can't stop thinking about the Sunnie Kahle story. One reason for this is that she and I have some major similarities, including our tomboyish tendencies and the fact that we both attended a private Christian school.

Unlike Sunnie, however, I did not attend Timberlake Christian School.

To the left is a picture of me in the eighth grade. Notice the short hair and baggy clothes. I HATED dressing like a girl. To this day, I only own two dresses, and those were given to me as gifts. If you see me wearing one of them, either my sisters wanted to match (quaint, right?) or all my other clothes were probably dirty. I do not like to be in a dress. I don’t even like to be in “girly” shirts. Give me a baggy t-shirt any day. Cold season is wrapping up, and there is only one reason that makes me sad. No more hoodies for a while. Sigh.

 My Christian school never cared much about the way that I wore my hair, or the way that I dressed, so I never thought much about it. My church family didn't care either. They recognized that God cares about our hearts over our physical appearance.

Here is another picture of me that is also from the eighth grade. I’m on the left, if that wasn’t obvious. I’m trying (and failing) to look cool and tough in my soccer uniform. I loved to play sports. I played soccer, basketball, and softball. Not very well, mind you, but they were still fun.

I also enjoyed playing outside. I loved our tree house and exploring the woods and riding my bike. I liked to catch bugs and climb trees and wrestle. I was a tomboy. I was (and still am) proud to be a tomboy, because that's who God made me to be.

I have only worn makeup (aside from the occasional zit cover-up) approximately five times in my life. I still prefer super short hair, but I'm too cheap to keep paying for haircuts, so I let it grow to my shoulders before hacking it all off again. I bite my nails, enjoy playing rough with my kids, dread weddings because I’ll have to dress up, and overall just don’t enjoy stereotypically girly things. I’ve never been especially “feminine,” so in this regard I’m very much like Sunnie Kahle.

I have such fond memories of the schools and church that I attended. Not perfect ones, but much more good than bad. I was taught that God loves us all unconditionally, and that we should love others unconditionally in return. 

The picture at the right is from a missions trip with that church. My youth group went to the island of St. Vincent- my first overseas trip. Take note of my Nike t-shirt and tennis shoes. That’s how I rolled, and that was ok with them.

 Below is another shot from several years later. This was from our youth group trip to Mexico. I’m in the front with short hair again and a men’s bowling shirt.

Yep, a "men's" haircut and shirt. I'm so thankful for a church and schools that let me be who I was without criticism. Sure I got into trouble for breaking some rules like any other kid. I even got sent to the office once or twice, but never for my appearance.

Why am I telling you all this? Because the name of my church was Timberlake Baptist- the church affiliated with the now infamous Timberlake Christian School. The church filled with many of the same people who are in charge of TCS today. If you liked what I had to say about them in the past, then it might be helpful to know it's still that way in the present. Timberlake is the place where I felt accepted just as I was.

I’m not going to pretend like my situation is exactly the same as Sunnie’s. It’s not, and I don't know what she's been through. I can't speak to the truth of either side in this situation, simply because I wasn't witness to it. Very few of us were.

There's just SO much negativity floating around, that I wanted to point out some positives. The Timberlake I know is not perfect, and I don't mean it to sound that way. It has flaws, because Timberlake consists of people. Real people, who aren't the hateful bigots they've been characterized as. They make mistakes, and I'm sure they do judge at times. I know I do (unfortunately). And the general public certainly does, as evidenced by their comments on this news story. We're people. We make mistakes. But we are also capable of great things! 

The people from Timberlake Baptist loved me, and they helped me grow into the woman I am today. I will be forever grateful for the impact they have had on my life. And while I may not have attended the school myself, my children do now. I know and love the people at TCS. They have invested in both me and my children's lives. They loved (and love) my tomboy self, and they've loved numerous other tomboys as well. 

As a matter of fact, they still love Sunnie, and I know Sunnie loves them, too.

This morning I met with a couple other TCS moms to pray over this whole kerfuffle. We prayed for the school, the administration, and our kids- for wisdom, strength, and love- and for Sunnie and her family as well. Because really, we could all use a little less arguing, and a lot more prayer.

Considerations for Christians in response to the TCS fiasco

In case you haven’t heard, this story came out today:http://www.wset.com/story/25061872/little-girl-taken-out-of-christian-school-after-told-shes-too-much-like-a-boy

My initial (and self-centered) thought was, “Oh, great. Naturally this would happen where my kids go to school. This is going to be a pain in the butt to deal with.” My range of emotions and thoughts on the situation have gone back and forth since reading the story this morning. It’s been a long day, despite the fact that I’ve barely accomplished anything. 

I decided to write this post because I just don’t see too many people saying what needs to be said. 

Disclaimer: I didn’t get through many of the comments under the article. They were too discouraging to continue reading. There may very well have been some that said what I’m about to say.

Another disclaimer: This post is based on the Bible. If you don’t respect the Bible, I fully support your freedom to have that opinion. I’m simply addressing the response of Christians based on what I've read in the Bible.

My initial thoughts… Where is the love, man? I’m not talking about for Sunnie, though I am all for loving her as well. Let’s take the focus off of her and her family just for the moment. Right now I want to know where the love is for TCS and their administrator. I’ve seen complete disregard for her and for the school as a whole, based on what? On this article? Sad, sad, sad.

Since when do news outlets paint Christians in a positive light? Again, I’m not referring to this particular story. Let’s just make a generalization here. Can anyone give me an example of when Christians standing up against a socially accepted sin was given a shining news review? I’ll wait…

**Crickets chirping**

None? Ok, let’s continue. 

Let’s just assume that there is something beyond what is written in this news article then. People have been making assumptions all day, so this shouldn’t be too difficult. Right? It’s pretty safe to say that on a DAILY basis the news outlets misconstrue facts. Then why, pray tell, is the general public assuming that they are right on the money this time around? 

What is it in us that wants to immediately assume that TCS is in the wrong? Even my own knee jerk reaction was to think that it must have been based on how she looked. I had to refer back to my own previous “note to self”: My initial reaction is most likely the wrong one.

People who don’t know anything about Timberlake, as well as people who do, are just tearing into the school. It’s mob mentality at its finest. I don’t know if TCS will be able to defend themselves at this point, but even if they did, would anyone care? Would anyone listen? 

My goodness, Christians! Let’s be people that listen! Be SLOW to speak and slow to wrath. 

The majority of criticisms that I’ve read are based on an assumption that Timberlake is judging this young girl based on her appearance. So, let me get this straight. Timberlake, who has allowed this child to attend for three years, has suddenly decided that her appearance (which hasn’t changed, to my knowledge- I saw her in kindergarten and her hair looked just the same as it does now) is no longer acceptable. Meanwhile, folks who know NOTHING except for what they’ve read/seen in the news, are freely bashing the school with complete assurance that TCS is in the wrong. Who’s doing the judging based on appearances here?

So much for Christians sticking together. So much for acting as the body of Christ. I implore you, Christians! Love your brothers and sisters in Christ enough to find out the whole story! If there is genuinely judgment based solely on this girl’s appearance, then let’s talk about that. Let’s stand up against that. But until we actually hear both sides of the story, let’s not be divided! A kingdom divided against itself cannot stand.

Matthew 18 always comes to mind in situations like this. Approach your fellow Christian in privacy about an offense. I honestly hope that much of that is being done. Unfortunately, all that is visible at the moment is public bashing.

 So much for the world knowing us by our love for each other. How can we accuse them of not loving this girl even as we spew unloving accusations from our own mouths?

Based on I Corinthians 6, we should have been able to avoid discussing this in a public forum altogether! This was a matter to be discussed among the body of believers. It breaks my heart that these grandparents felt the proper course of action was to broadcast this story for all the world to see. If there was wrongdoing, and I’m not judging either way at this point, then it should have come out for the church to work through. There are clearly plenty of Christians who agree that this girl shouldn’t be judged for her appearance. If we’d been given a chance to speak up before this went public, then hopefully the story would never have even escalated to this point. 

At this point, I feel so disheartened by this whole news broadcast. It’s not helping Sunnie. It’s not helping Timberlake. Most importantly, it’s doing nothing positive for the name of Christ. Sure we have a chance to say that Christ doesn’t judge based on appearances, but it’s all pretty hypocritical and self-defeating when we’re proclaiming that as we ourselves judge based on appearances. The divisions amongst the church have a giant, shining spotlight on them right now, and we’re welcoming the audience. 

After writing all of this, I see now that TCS has released a statement on the matter. It’s here if you wish to read it: http://tcs4u.org/timberlakeuserfiles/file/tcs_press_release.pdf

I fear that it will be too little too late, but I hope that’s just the pessimist in me. I still hope that at least some of the details will be released, but even if they never are… 

Please, let’s stop assuming things. Let’s regard each other with love and offer support in time of need (on all sides). Let’s consider the implications of our words before we let them fly. And let’s seek truth at all costs. 

A friend shared this verse on facebook tonight, and I thought it a fitting closer:

 The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace. Exodus 14:14

What I didn't like about Frozen

As most people know, Disney’s Frozen came out on DVD this week. I’ve only heard a few negative reviews, and I won’t be adding to that list. For the most part, I loved the movie. The songs have been running through my mind, and often bursting forth aloud in theatrical displays, for weeks. We even joined the massive horde that purchased the film on release day.

I very much appreciated that the storyline wasn’t just a tired remake of so many other children’s movies. i.e. Your parents’ ways are old-fashioned, and you should follow your heart instead. (Laaame.) The Croods is the most recent movie I can think of with this misguided theme. 

**Spoiler Alert** 

In Frozen, Elsa’s parents do still give her some unwise advice, but the overall theme was still different. I for one got the impression that they were trying to help her control her powers, and Elsa just took the instructions to “conceal” too far. But even if I’m wrong about that, on a much more important note, Elsa discovered that rebellion wasn’t the answer to her problems. She had to find the balance between “letting go” and putting others first. Love was the central theme of the movie, and true love is always a good theme. 

And now on to my own central point. Did anyone else catch that line by one of the trolls in Fixer Upper? 

We’re not saying you can change him
'Cause people don't really change

Beg pardon? People don’t change? 

I’m fully on board with the first half of that sentence. It’s not our job to change everyone around us, even (often especially) our spouses. I would even argue that it’s not our job to change our children, just to teach them. We lack the power necessary to change anyone’s heart.

I just find the second part of that phrase rather contradictory to the rest of the movie. People don’t really change? Ummm, doesn’t Elsa change? Doesn’t Kristoff? And how about Anna? Maybe we’re just defining change differently. The best part about the movie is the beautiful lesson that love is the catalyst for change.

I feel like they threw that line in there to try not to offend people, but it just doesn’t fit. Even the very next lines of the song seem to contradict it. 

We're only saying that love's a force that's powerful and strange
People make bad choices if they're mad or scared or stressed
But throw a little love their way, and you'll bring out their best
True love brings out the best

Soooo, love is a force that is powerful and strange. It helps people make good choices and brings out their best, but it doesn’t change them? 

I guess the main reason the line bothers me so much is because I feel it reeks of hopelessness. If people don’t change, then that means I can’t change. I’m stuck with my frustrating imperfections forever. Yikes! My poor family!!

I have to disagree, because I have changed. Love, specifically the love of God, has literally changed my heart. I don’t think like I used to. I don’t act like I used to. I don’t despair like I used to. Sure I have moments of weakness, but that’s not what I mean. I’ll always be imperfect, but I have put off my old self and become a new creation. I know others who have changed as well. Addicts who have broken their addictions, bitter people who have learned true forgiveness, ones who were hopeless and found meaning, and hateful people who learned to love. Change is real.

Love is indeed a force that’s powerful and strange. It keeps no record of offenses, offers kindness in response to cruelty, is humble, puts the needs of others first, doesn’t dwell on mean thoughts about others, is patient, doesn’t envy or brag, rejoices only in truth, perseveres in hope, endures the toughest challenges, and it never ends. Love originated with God, because He is love. 

We each have a chance to pass on this love to others as well. To continue with the Frozen theme, Anna was a great example of this. She thought she knew what love was, and she even sang a song about it with Hans. But Anna had to learn what love really meant. She went after Elsa, sacrificing her own comfort, hoping for the best, patiently trying to persuade her, and enduring the hardships. She was even willing to lay down her life for her sister. Love thawed both their hearts in the end, and it thawed their frozen world. 

Frozen was spot on there! Love has the power to thaw a frozen and often harsh world. People can change, and I hope we never stop believing that. Love can change you, me, or anyone. Don't give up hope! The change might not take place today, or soon, or maybe even ever, but we can change. And we can be that catalyst for change. 

Hope and change, folks. Sometimes it's a good slogan. ;)

Just watch this and sing along. You know you want to…

That kid really pushes my buttons

Monday was my sassy little spitfire’s sixth birthday. Birthdays have a way of making me slow down and take time to reflect on my kids’ lives. (Which I also do at other times. Stop being so quick to judge! Sheesh.) 

I have so many special memories with that girl. I still remember the first night she was born. I had the hardest time falling asleep that night, despite the fact that she slept pretty peacefully, as far as newborns go. I kept crawling down to the foot of the bed where she was sleeping in her rolling hospital bassinet. Her beautiful little face was just begging to be gazed upon one more time. I was smitten by her. I still am.

Ok now you can judge me, though, because in truth one of my main reflections on Monday was about just how often that pretty girl pushes my buttons. She really knows how to get under my skin, and she purposely or inadvertently does so on a regular basis. She’s a smart little booger, I’ll give her that.

One of my favorite examples of this was the time we ate breakfast together as a family at a pancake house. Truth be told, we only went there because we took too long getting ready and missed McDonald’s breakfast hours. Nevertheless, we decided it would be a special treat to eat at a sit down restaurant, so I was certain my kids would be grateful for the privilege. Ha. The conversation that followed between my daughter and I went a little something like this…

“Why aren’t we eating at McDonald’s? You SAID we were going to get pancakes at McDonald’s.”

“We took too long getting ready. This is a pancake house. You can get pancakes here. They’re even better than McDonald’s. Stop complaining.”

“But I wanted pancakes from McDonald’s. I’m not going to eat anything here.”

“Fine! Then you can watch all of us eat pancakes in front of you!”

*A peaceful thirty seconds passes by*

“Mommy, are you going to get pancakes?”

“No, I’ll probably get bacon and eggs.”

“Well, then you won’t ALL be eating pancakes in front of me.”

Burn…

If I demonstrate any sort of flaw or inconsistency, this girl jumps on the chance to point it out. She also loves to argue, as she unfortunately comes from a long line of arguers. It doesn’t matter what the truth is, only what her opinion is. She’s currently in a time out for not dropping an argument. She just pushes and pushes and pushes! 

(And now as I sit down to write this again, she has accused me of only ever making foods that I like for dinner and insisting that she wasn’t pushing the keyboard numbers that she was running her fingers along when I asked her to stop, both within ten seconds of each other. Prime examples of my fault-finding girl’s behavior.)

Sometimes I like to stick it to her. I want to prove that I’m right, and she’s wrong. Especially if the argument is easily winnable. (E.g. She accused me of forgetting to buy more cereal, when I actually remembered.) It’s pretty satisfying in the moment to gloat and lecture. (Or to slam that cereal box down in front of her! Booyah!) Not so satisfying when I think about what lesson I was teaching her later.

This is just one of those battles that I lose much too often! I keep telling myself to be more patient the next time around. She’s learning from me. She’s watching my every move. (I know this, because she reminds me constantly.) Her choices are still her responsibility, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s my responsibility to teach her. Everything I do teaches her a lesson, be it good or bad. She’s my gift from God, and I want to take care of her as such.

There’s a better way to teach my girl how to avoid pointless arguments than by participating in the arguing myself. There’s a better way to show her that she doesn’t always need to be right than to try and always be right myself. There’s a better way to teach her to control her temper than to quickly lose mine. There’s a better way to teach her to stop continually criticizing everyone than for me to continually criticize her behavior. 

My mind jumps to the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, especially the patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. My list often seems to more closely resemble quick-temperedness, rudeness, sarcasm, and agitation. 

The subsequent three verses are also fitting for this discussion. “Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.”

Burn again, but at least it makes me stop and think about what my problem is. So to break it down verse by verse…

“Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” That prideful, hot-headed flesh of mine has been nailed to the cross. It fights to be revived, but I don’t have to live like that. I don’t have to keep making the same mistakes. I love this phrase from Philippians 3:13, “forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.” Mistakes have been made, and now it’s time to move on. 

 I also love the lyrics from “Before the Throne of God Above.” (If you want to listen to it...)

When Satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within

Upward I look and see Him there

Who made an end of all my sin

Burn again, but this time totally in my favor. No need for despair. This is a battle I can win!!

“Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” Truth be told, I haven’t been very faithful to keep in step with the Spirit as of late. Ironically enough, Little Miss Argument is the child who most often stays in step with me, and I mean that literally. Two of my kids are always lagging behind, and my youngest is always running up ahead, both of which can be irritating or even dangerous. The closer they are to me, the better I can protect them, and the better they can hear my instructions. They’re less likely to get into trouble, and even if they do, I’m right there to help. (So many lessons about God can be learned from parenting.)

 I seem to go in cycles when it comes to keeping in step with the Spirit. Faithfully reading the Scripture and praying turns into sporadic reading and distracted praying. The things I want to do, I don’t do. But I can do them. Once again, I can put my past behind me and press on. I need to be close to God, so I can naturally develop these fruits of the Spirit. When I abide in Him, He abides in me.

“Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.” This probably sounds judgmental, but I’m including myself when I say that I think a lot of parents struggle with pride when it comes to their kids. I shouldn’t back down from every argument that my little antagonist offers, but the opposite is also true. I shouldn’t immediately silence her and assume that I’m right, either. I want her to ask questions. I want her to know why she has to obey. My rules, and God’s rules, are for her protection. She needs to know this. And sometimes, she really is right.

That brings me to the provoking part of this verse. Even though she’s sometimes right, she usually has a terrible attitude, which also makes her wrong. And truthfully, my attitude often makes me wrong when I’m right. I’m constantly provoking her, just like she’s constantly provoking me. Not good. This verse is speaking to the general population, but twice in the New Testament the instruction comes specifically to parents- do not provoke your children. God knew we’d need to hear it. We’re quick to spout off “Children, obey your parents,” but are we just as quick to remember the verse to parents that comes next? I’m sure not.   

One way I personally need to work on combating this problem is by verbalizing the positives about my daughter. She constantly hears correction, and needs it, but she also needs to hear what she's doing right. Kids need to be praised by their parents. Not about every little thing, especially since this smart girl knows when I'm being disingenuous. She does need to have something to strive for, though. God rejoices over me and constantly reassures me of my worth, and I need to pass that along to her as well. 

Parenting, just like so very many other issues, is a matter of the heart. My heart has got to be in the right place when I correct my belligerent beauty. Without love, I’m just a clanging cymbal. Even with love, she probably thinks I sound like a clanging cymbal, but at least I know I’m giving it my all. At least I know I’m demonstrating the kind of patience, gentleness, and kindness that my heavenly Father has mercifully given to me.

I want all of my children to know how the power of the Spirit can transform my attitude, because they need to know how it can transform theirs. They need to know all this God talk isn’t just talk. When they get older and move into that stage when they question all they were ever taught, I want them to have something to fall back on. More than anyone else I’ll come into contact with, I want my children to see Christ in me. I want to be able to say to them in all honesty, “Imitate me, as I also imitate Christ.”