Life is a battle. There are good days and bad, and usually
the difference is not found in the circumstances. The difference is within me.
Externally speaking, things can be fine. They can even be
great! And yet, when my relationship with Christ is not what it should be, life
just isn’t the same. It loses its luster. It becomes dry and bland.
Sometimes God seems to be silent. I speak to Him, but my
words just echo back at me. I look for Him, but I can’t seem to find Him. It’s
not a new phenomenon. David recorded the same sentiments in the Psalms all
those many years ago. Sometimes we only see shadows where there should be
light.
I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t always know why this
happens. What I do know is that I often invite the problem upon myself, though.
Sleep in a couple days here, make excuses not to have a
quiet time later in the day there, fill my life with busy-ness and try to cram
God in, etc. Pretty soon, I lose sight of what my life is about. I get downcast
because my purpose has been lost. God, while near, seems far away.
The truth of God’s words to Cain shortly after the beginning
of our world still apply to me today. “Why are you angry? Why
is your face downcast? If
you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is
right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule
over it.”
Sin is real, and it is crouching at my
door.
Once I start to get a little distant from
God, it’s much easier for sin to make its move. See, now I’ve cracked open the
door just a wee little sliver and given sin the opportunity it needed. Suddenly
it’s incredibly difficult to fight those feelings of self-pity that rise up. I didn’t
put on my armor for the day, and now I can’t seem to find that shield of faith
when doubt makes an attack. One small step after the other has led to being
much farther along the broad road than I ever intended to go. Little slip-ups led to bigger ones, and I'm ashamed of where I've ended up. I got lost in
enemy territory, so it’s no wonder I stopped hearing the voice of my own
Commander.
I tend to feel as though God abandoned me,
but eventually I’ll have to admit that it was I who made the choice to wander away again.
Sigh.
“…what I am doing, I do not understand. For
what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do… O
wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I
thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord…” Rom. 7:15, 24-25
I forgot what I already knew to be true
from I Peter 5:8. “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil
walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”
I need
my time with God. I need it more than some extra sleep. I need
it more than I need to load the dishwasher or catch up on my laundry or have
some social interactions. I need it more than all of the demands on my time
that I face every day. I need it because I need God Himself. He is my living
water, and I never thirst when I drink from Him. He is the bread of life, and I
never hunger when I partake of Him.
I forgot to be vigilant. Or rather I chose
not be.
And yet… Here you are, Jesus. I found You
once more, because You found me first. You left the ninety-nine to find your
wandering lamb (again). Sweet forgiveness is mine. I am washed and made whiter
than snow. I am restored. It is no small gift- no privilege to casually accept.
I was bought with a price.
Will the vicious cycle continue? I’ve no
doubt it will. I’m still stuck in this earthen vessel. There will be ups and
downs, but God will remain constant. And yet, I recognize that the closer I draw to God, the less
frequently I stumble. And the less painful and devastating the falls become. There is hope!
“The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my
deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust…I will call upon the Lord,
who is worthy to be praised; so shall I be saved from my enemies.” Ps. 18:2-3
So I will put the past behind me and press on. I won’t dwell on
past mistakes, because I know that a righteous man falls and rises again. I will fight not as one
beating the air aimlessly. I will run with the intent to win the race. I will
rest in the knowledge that nothing can
separate me from the love of Christ. I know that the road will
be difficult,
but I also know that Christ bears my burdens. His yoke is easy. His strength
shines through my weakness. I can trust Him to direct my paths. I never need to despair.
“We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are
perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but
not destroyed… Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is
perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light
affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding
and eternal weight of glory.” II Cor. 4:8-9,16-17
He has spoken to me, and He wants to speak to me still. But
I have got to abide in Him if I wish
for Him to abide in me.
Yes, life is a battle. The battle will remain. But thank God
I know the outcome.
“These things I have
spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have
tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” Jn. 16:33
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