Practical Tips for Parents

I am comfortable enough in my own skin to admit that I am much more likely to be featured on the Mom Fail site than on Pinterest. I was thinking about this today as I was cutting some coupons, namely because of how few I was snipping out before throwing the rest of the coupon insert into the recycling bin. Part of me thought, “You could save so much more money if you’d keep all of these and check the grocery store ads for where the coupons and sale items match up.” Then the realist in me responded with “Shut up!” Seriously, though. I know I won’t do that, and then I will just have an over-abundance of coupons, and then I’ll be too overwhelmed to even pull them out at the store, and then I’ll have to throw them all away when they expire while thinking about how some moms can post pictures on facebook of their giant pile of groceries that they got for $1.27, and then I’ll drown my sorrows with a Frappuccino. So on to the main point!

I decided to compile a list of helpful things that I actually have had to learn over the years. Some of them may actually be helpful, but most of them not so much.

1.       Make your grocery list in the order of where the items are in the store. You’ll need every ounce of energy you possess directed toward keeping your child happy and/or distracted for the duration of the shopping trip. If you neglect this tip and need to buy any more than three things, you will inevitably have to walk through the entire store twice to get everything you need.

2.       Bring that list with you to the store. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s really so much more helpful when you don’t leave it on the table at home.

3.       When you have a small child, make every effort to wear clothing that resembles the color of snot during cold season. That way no one will notice the actual streaks of snot on your shoulders.

4.       Always keep an empty laundry basket or bin on hand. This is so you can run frantically through the house throwing everything in sight into it when the doorbell rings.

5.       On a similar note, if you’ve been missing your in-laws, simply let the house go to pot. They’ll be sure to drop by unannounced.

6.       Never EVER, no matter how tempting it is, shove your dirty dishes into the oven in last minute cleaning desperation. You will not, I repeat, will not remember that they’re in there before turning on the oven. (Then you may or may not have the smell of a melted plastic spatula permeating your home for several hours afterward.)

7.       Pick out your clothes and your children’s clothes the night before. You might think this is a time-saving tip, but really it’s just to ensure that everyone actually does have clean underwear to put on in the morning.

8.       Have a serious heart to heart with your husband about the importance of not using potty humor with your children. It will be incredibly hard to break them of this habit when Daddy is participating wholeheartedly.

9.       Never use the TV as a babysitter. *Giggling* Yeah, that was the funniest one yet.

10.   The best way to get your kids to stop whining is to put in some headphones and listen to a lively Pandora station. (At least I think this works. It’s hard to tell with Broadway show tunes playing in my ear.)

11.   Wait until your toddler’s naptime to load the dishwasher. Unloading the dishwasher with the toddler present will actually be easier.

12.   Invest in a mommy hook for your stroller. You’ll want to be carrying as little as possible when your kids hand you things they’re perfectly capable of carrying themselves so their hands can remain completely empty.

13.   If your baby is suffering from constipation, try dressing them in their nicest clothes. This way, they’ll unavoidably have a blowout and stain said nice clothing.

14.   Be sure to bring plenty of entertainment for long trips. You’ll need something to distract your mind away from your kids constantly nagging you to tell them if you’re almost there yet.

15.   Put breakable items in your children’s toy boxes. Then pretend like all of their toys are off limits. This is a surefire way to protect your valuables.

16.   Don’t bother quarantining sick children or trying to sanitize 99.8% of all germs in your home. Whatever virus they have will spread like wildfire amongst your family, despite your best efforts. (And it will strike in the middle of the night if it's a stomach bug.)

17.   Practice makes perfect when it comes to expressing an authentic whiny voice. Use it to respond to your children so they can look at you like you’re crazy for sounding exactly like they just did.

18.   Feed your babies as MUCH as possible to make them plump. Then when they refuse to eat every meal you fix when they get a bit older, they won’t die.

19.   Plan to leave the house half an hour earlier than you actually need to and stick to it!! None of that, “Well, really we don’t need to leave until…” nonsense. This way you might just make it out the door in time. (After you’ve taken your child potty, cleaned up the spilt milk on the counter, found the missing shoe, and solved the latest sibling crisis all after the original time you intended to leave.)

20.   Cut yourself some slack, parents! Find a legitimate list of helpful tips (not the aforementioned rubbish), and use the process of trial and error to figure out what works for your family. If it sounds too easy to be true, then a complete stranger will definitely judge you for not utilizing it in your home.