My Buddy and Me

Has anyone else ever noticed that in many couples there seems to be one partner who is better than the other? I don’t mean to say that they are a better person overall, just that one seems to be better in the way of loving. More patient, more forgiving, etc. I would guess that’s where the phrase “better half” originated (though I haven’t googled that, so don’t take my word for it!) Sometimes I look at couples and think, “How the heck did that guy win her over?” or vice versa. In the case of my own marriage, Isaiah clearly wins the prize.

Today marks the eleventh anniversary of marriage to my Buddy. (Yes, I am aware that it’s weird to call each other that.) Like all young dreamers, I anticipated that we would meet each other’s every need. And as that same young dreamer, I neglected to consider the conundrum of how we would manage to bear in mind the other’s needs while we were fantasizing of having our own met. And let’s be honest, I had WAY more plans for our marriage than he did. Isaiah is more of a “take things as they come” kind of guy, and I’m more of a “let’s do the best we can do” kind of girl. Those two temperaments don’t always mesh well in the endeavor to become one flesh. (That may be a bit of an understatement.) If I only had a dollar for every time someone expressed to me before we tied the knot that marriage would be different than what I expected it to be… I’m not exactly sure in what ways I was expecting it be different, but somehow the reality of marriage still took me by surprise. What especially came as a surprise was the way I responded to that confirmation.

I am sad to say that the Hollywood image of romance really did a number on my expectations. (Think daily love notes, candlelit dinners, and conversations about feelings that lasted into the wee hours.) In my mind, these things lined up readily with the I Corinthians 13 definition of love. “Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails.”

 I genuinely thought I was a patient and kind person before I got married. Instead, I got pretty frustrated pretty quickly. (That erroneous opinion was even further diminished by the addition of children to our family years later.) I thought I was humble and not one to brag. Well, until I was the one who was clearly the better spouse. I thought I was ready to love selflessly. I could really embarrass myself here with stories of how that turned out to be untrue. I thought I loved unconditionally, but in reality I let my current feelings of satisfaction dictate the way I treated my husband. And so forth and so on. I ended up fighting a fierce uphill battle with bitterness about how my marriage had turned out. It’s so silly to think back on it and recognize how good I had it, especially when I look at the problems of those around me. (Or *ahem* when I still battle those selfish feelings at times.) At any rate, it took seven years of maturing and another year of marriage counseling before I could admit to myself that my ideal marriage would ever remain an imaginary one. And even more importantly, I had to learn that not having that fairy tale marriage is ooooookay.

Everything I’ve written about here so far is all about me. And that’s just it. Love isn’t about me. So let’s change the topic, shall we? I’d like to brag on my Buddy a little bit.

Isaiah is the most forgiving person I have ever known. “Oh, you got angry at me for the tenth time today? That’s ok. I forgive you.” The end. (No, really. The end. Not like a female’s “It’s ok.”) Then I get a big hug. And this is of course after he was already being overly patient with whatever I was stressing about this time.

When Jesus talked about the greatest of these being the servant of all, He may have had Isaiah in mind. The moment I ask Isaiah for a hand with anything, no matter what he was in the middle of doing, he is there. “Sure, I’d be happy to change that explosive diaper and clean up the juice that’s coating the counter. Then I’d love to clean up the Desitin that’s smeared all over the couch.”

My Buddy is one of the hardest working men you will ever meet. He’s not just a servant leader at home, but in the workplace as well. He gets up early to go into work not just for more overtime, but so he’s there before anyone else arrives. There he walks around the office praying for whoever sits in the cubicle he’s passing. He eats a quick lunch at his desk to try and get in even more overtime to provide for our family. He gives one hundred percent every day, and he is constantly trying to make things run more efficiently in his office. (Sometimes he excitedly tells me about his office ideas, but I’m afraid my boredom can be difficult to mask. I love that he tells me anyway.)

One of the very first things that attracted me to Isaiah was his goofy sense of humor. He is so fun to be around. The kids LOVE spending time with Daddy. “Daddy is silly” is a phrase oft repeated in our home, usually accompanied by giggles. I love to see him playing with the kids. (Barbie scenarios are probably the most fun to watch.) He’s just as loving and kind and patient with them as he is with me. And when we go out on our much coveted date nights, I love to choose activities that bring out his goofiness again. We have so much fun together.

Ephesians talks about cherishing your wife and loving her as yourself. I know he takes those instructions seriously. There is never a moment when I can take an honest look at our lives and not see just how much he sacrifices to try and put his family first- to love us more than himself.

I was recently joking with some friends because one of them constantly makes facebook posts about the sweet, romantic gestures of her husband. The rest of us teasingly informed her that it really was only causing the other men to look bad. (One even quipped that she might brag on her husband the next time he actually took the trash out.) All in good fun, of course. J I say this because I don’t want this blog to come across as glorifying the ideal relationship that I just finished criticizing. Isaiah is not perfect, and I won’t pretend like I couldn’t list some flaws if I wanted to. I just know that I spent WAY too many years dwelling on what he was lacking instead of being thankful for his strengths. So today, I am especially thankful that God brought us together all those years ago. Through good times and bad, we've learned so much together. We have so many treasured memories, and I can’t imagine life without that big lug. God knew we would need each other, in ways that I am still learning.

Happy anniversary, Buddy. <3

Peace on Earth

"Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me."

The notion of peace is widely celebrated, even glorified, especially at Christmas time. But what does peace really look like? If there were never another war fought or even a shot fired, would we finally have achieved this lofty ideal? I doubt it. I believe peace is something even greater- that this is yet one more example of a time when man looks on the outward appearance, while God looks at the heart.

Speaking of hearts, mine is broken right now. Some dear, dear friends of mine suffered a tremendous loss this past week. They were anticipating the birth of their first son some time during the next couple weeks. Plans had all been made, gifts had all been opened, and all that remained was his blessed arrival. His arrival came and went, but most would question if the blessing did. Friends who shared in the excitement and anticipation of new life now share in the deep and painful mourning of a precious life lost. We ache and weep and long for what will never be.

And while we all share in grief, we each respond in a different way.  Some despair at the pain of this life. Some shake their fists in defiance at God. Some fear that God has punished them, and that their turn is next. Some wonder if there is any reason to pray. Some question in brokenness all they ever knew about the goodness of a so-called loving God. And some have sweet, blessed peace. My friends testify to having this peace, the peace that passes all understanding.

Have you ever heard that phrase before and responded like I have? "Well, isn't that a nice Jesus answer," accompanied by a knowing smirk. I remember actually being angry at a pastor who shared that he didn't question God when his teenage son fell ill and died. Didn't he love his son? Didn't he even care enough to put up a fight? Questions that revealed my limited understanding of who God is, and what our purpose is in relation to Him. I had a very conservative upbringing, where I constantly heard people repeating pat answers in the face of adversity.

"The Lord works in mysterious ways."

"We just need to trust the Lord."

And my personal favorite, "The Lord works everything together for our good."

 Those statements are all true, but they are not enough. They can be repeated without a second thought, with no depth, with no acknowledgement of pain, and no praise for the God who inexplicably and omnipotently really does keep a whole multitude of promises for our good. It's no wonder people think us naïve.

I know people who say these things are well-meaning, and I do think we should extend them grace. The same goes for those who are struggling with anger and skepticism. I have no judgment for them- I struggled with those attitudes for years. I can still relate to Paul when he refers to himself as the chief of sinners. I know what I am capable of in the way of sin, but I also know what I am capable of in the way of victory!

It just so happens this is not the first time someone close to me has delivered a lifeless child. My sister lost her baby girl almost four years ago. That time we all knew she might not make it, but we prayed hard, and I believed God would heal her. He didn't. Not here anyway. I'd had it with God and His plans. "Now You tell me what the purpose of that was, GOD!! It would have taken one second- no effort- for you to heal that baby! The one that You formed, on purpose, with all those problems! This is what fearfully and wonderfully made looks like? This is what goodness looks like? I'm done with You."

My sister chose to have a memorial service for her little one. Naturally the pastor only said nice things about God, and there was a song about God's love. How nice. And then in a moment, everything changed. I felt a shame such as I had never known when I glanced over to see my sister, tears flowing down her face, mouthing along with the words, "He loves us. Oh, how He loves us." Why was I the angry one? How could I maintain my skepticism when I was face to face with the peace that I had so vehemently denied? The very Spirit of God was flooding her soul, and mine as well.

God opened my eyes that day to what true peace entails. It is a matter of the heart. There was no attempted cover-up of the pain or mourning in either of those situations. It was acknowledged and faced head on. Oh, there was pain, and it remains, but there is peace alongside it. Darkness cannot overcome the light. Christ is, and ever will remain, victorious. And He is Emmanuel- God with us! There is of course comfort in knowing that these parents will someday meet their children, but there is even more than that. There is peace now, amidst the sorrow, because the Spirit of God dwells in the hearts of these dear friends. He quiets our racing thoughts, calms our fears, draws us close, and overwhelms us with an inexplicable peace. He is here, and He is hope.

"The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17

And He has. So the next time I hear someone speak of peace in their hearts, I won't be skeptical. Oh, there will always be those who say it and don't believe it. There will even be times (often be times) when I don't feel it myself. But that doesn't change the reality that a loving God can truly bring a tangible, unfathomable peace to our souls.

I wish I hadn't wasted so many years of my life not accepting the fact that peace can be real. It saddens me that some still don't.

Isaiah 53:5 says that "He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; upon Him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and by His wounds we are healed." Christ endured those agonies not just for our salvation. Of course salvation is a wonderful thing, but it often feels like a distant promise. Peace and healing, these things are given to us now, and not a peace that the world offers. (John 14:27)

My friends chose songs of praise for their sweet baby's memorial service as well. The image of a broken father singing "Great is Thy Faithfulness" with hands raised, sobs racking his body, will forever be etched in my mind. My prayer is that someone else witnessed it and had their heart changed like mine. Peace through the darkness, the tragedy, and the chaos of our everyday toils. It is attainable through surrender to the One who offers it freely.

John 16:33 "I have said these things to you that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."