Learning to be loved

Sunday marked the twelfth anniversary of my marriage to my Buddy, Isaiah. An anniversary is a great occasion for reflection, and so reflect I have. (Posts like this make me wish my mother-in-law didn't read my blog, but alas, here goes nothing.) 

Isaiah and I were young'uns when we got hitched, by today's standards anyway. I'd only escaped the teenage years mere weeks beforehand, and he is only a year my senior. But we were young and smitten and didn't care about statistics and likelihoods and what-nots. Divorce schmivorce. We would defy the odds.

Defy them we did (though I can't pretend like divorce never sounded appealing.) It is by the grace of God alone that I can say I am happily married to my very best friend. Unfortunately, this was not always the case.

Over the years, Isaiah and I have worked through a number of issues together. My own tendency to unnecessarily despair has been one such issue. I've shared in earlier posts about my battles with insecurity and depression. Suicidal thoughts have been my nemesis for much of my life, and I suspect they will never be permanently evicted. 

As a result of these issues, I am often a killjoy to live with. I can be short-tempered, impatient, selfish, critical, melancholy, and perfectionistic. A depressed me is no doubt pure misery to be around. When I feel worthless, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I mope around and slack on my responsibilities and feel sorry for myself. I act either apathetic or downright spiteful toward Isaiah. 

Why am I bringing all this up again? Because when I think about my marriage, I think about all Isaiah has had to put up with over the years. My battle becomes his battle. "Put up with" really isn't the right phrase, though. Someone who puts up with things doesn't necessarily have a good attitude about it. They might still be impatient and trudge through the putting up with unhappily.

That's not Isaiah. He makes it look like fun. 

If I had to sum up all my feelings about Isaiah regarding our marriage relationship, I would say this- He has been Christ to me. He has tirelessly, joyfully, kindly, jokingly (because sometimes you just have to laugh), journeyed with me through all these years. He loves me unconditionally. He is strong in this area where I am so very weak. He is endlessly patient and forgiving. 

I could go through I Corinthians 13 and list all of the ways he's demonstrated the attributes, but I'll spare you. My point is that my remarkable husband loves me in the same way God does, and because I like to always have a moral to the story, I'll make one more point as well.

Love is not worth a thing to someone who refuses to accept it.

As foolish as it may sound, I had to learn to accept Isaiah's love. Of course I thought I did when we got married, but I eventually had to admit to myself that I didn't always trust his intentions. I often didn't believe his compliments.

 Someone who is very dear to me is now caught up in this battle to receive love, and it breaks my heart. I've been there. I'm still there sometimes. I know there are others who fight this same seemingly hopeless battle. (The once Billboard chart topper Hate Me by Blue October is proof of this.) 

It's just one of those temptations that is common to man. We feel unworthy of love, and so we reject the love that is offered. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Isaiah is not perfect, and I don't mean to imply that he is. I've just come to understand that he loves me, and I can rest in that. I find security in it.

I understand now that when he says I'm beautiful, he really means it. When he says I'm a great mom, it's because he really believes it. When he asks for my opinion, it's because he really wants it. When he says that he wants to spend time with me, it's because he enjoys being around me. When he offers to do something for me, it's because he really wants to. When he says that I've done a good job at something, it's because I really have. 

Despite all of my imperfections, all the hardships I create for him, my Buddy loves me. He wants me around. He needs me around. I contribute to his life. I am his helpmate. I am his beloved. I am not a burden to him, but a blessing to him. 

I'm not gonna lie. It's still hard for me to say self-promoting statements like those. I even started to type out a disclaimer. I don't always believe those things. I've still got some growing up to do, but I'm getting there. I know that they are true, even if they don't always feel true. Even though I'm going to forget them and need reminding again (and again). 

I wasted so much time all those years questioning a love that was so genuine, and it's no wonder. My doubts coincided with my lack of acceptance of the love of God Himself. 

To know that salvation is not based on works is a separate matter altogether from the understanding that God's approval and affection are not based on works either. How foolish to try and earn something that is already mine. 

Love is not the equivalent of approval. but it is unconditional. I firmly believe that every church should emphasize the worth of a person, especially to the children. Yes, we are sinful and unworthy of Christ's forgiveness. Our righteous acts are like filthy rags, but that does not make us the equivalent of filthy rags. We were knit together with a purpose by a God who loves us and wants the best for us. 

God doesn't love us because of what we do for Him. What we do for His glory is also for our good. The two are inseparable. He wants us to be holy not because He is demanding or power hungry, not because He delights in our groveling, but because He wants the best for us. My good is for his glory. To be closer to God, to abide in Him, is good. I can rest in His love.

That's an even greater knowledge than that of Isaiah's love, even if it doesn't always feel quite as tangible. The love of God, and Isaiah's demonstration of that love, has helped me grow in leaps and bounds. I have confidence and boldness that wasn't there before. I can take risks, and even fail, and still keep from despairing. I can bask in the glow of love and freely give it in return. 

Love is a beautiful thing.

For anyone who might be wrestling with a similar conflict, I'd like to propose an essential question. It's the same question Jesus asked the debilitated man by the pool of Bethesda: Do you want to be healed?

I never gave that question a second thought until I heard a sermon centered around it this past year. It might sound like a silly question, but it is not. It is a thought-provoking one. It is a problematic one. It is a necessary one. 

Do you WANT to be healed?

The answer isn't always yes. You see, healing is painful. It is humbling. It is difficult. It requires an end to our self pity and an acknowledgment of our worth. It demands complete surrender to a God who often seems out of reach. It necessitates a daily dying to self and taking up our cross, even when, especially when, we just don't have the strength.

And it is often slooooowwww. So slow. For me personally it took a good two years of counseling to work through all that unnecessary baggage I was lugging around. Even still, I keep on doing the things that I don't want to do, and then I feel like I'm back where I started. But not quite. God always brings me just a little bit closer to Him, and then a little bit closer. And then one day, I'll get to know God as I am already known.

It's often easier to decide against healing, but I'm praying those who read this choose the more difficult path. There is always hope, friends. Both for the one who needs to embrace love and the one who continues to offer it unrequited. 

Happy anniversary, Buddy. Thank you for continuing to lead by example. 


Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who searches finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Matt. 7:7-8

Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb. 4:16

Christmas music before Thanksgiving

I have a rule in my house. It’s one of those not founded on anything except for my own personal preference kind of rules. We don’t listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving. 

There are several reasons for this. I’m not a multi-tasker, so I prefer to focus on one thing at a time. Thanksgiving comes first, and then it’s time for Christmas. I also hate the way Christmas is commercialized. Something tells me that decorations go up earlier each year for profit reasons, not to spread holiday cheer. Last but not least, it's tradition. I love Christmas traditions, and this is just one of many.

All that being said, I have a confession to make.

I broke my rule this year, and I am loving it.

It all started a couple weeks ago when I was feeling overwhelmed. There’s nothing wrong in my immediate household, but there is so much heartache in the lives of my family and friends right now. We share our lives with those around us, and I am sharing in their grief and struggle.

First on the list is the death of my cousin Adam. Cancer took him away at only 31 years of age. Cancer sucks. Adam was one of those brilliant guys that could blow your mind with a simple facebook status. He was someone that you could look at and marvel at the amount of potential one individual could contain. I have to admit that there has never been a time when I understood the way God works, but circumstances such as this make it especially difficult. He was the only son of his parents, the only sibling of his sister. He was loved. He is loved still, but he is gone for now.

I have another friend who delivered her son fifteen weeks early. He is so perfectly formed, but he is fighting for his little life. So many people are praying for him, and we are helpless to do anything else. He is in God’s hands, but sometimes (well, often) God’s plan is far from what we desire. We pray and hope, but we live in the reality of a fallen world.

My former pastor’s father was steadily declining in health a couple weeks ago as well. Two days ago, God called him home. (I told you cancer sucks.) Other loved ones have marriages that are falling apart, addictions, depression, financial trouble, and just the tremendous stress that our everyday toils can bring. Life is hard. And painful.

I have been praying for these loved ones, but my heart is still heavy for them. As much as I would like to sit and ponder life and God and pray all day long, I cannot. I have a husband and children that need me. I need to be functional, and I need to put my grief somewhere.

Now enters: Christmas music.

One day when I was feeling especially down, it occurred to me that Christmas music always makes me feel cheerful. And so, I cast my strict boundary to the wayside and created a Christmas station on my Pandora. I haven’t stopped listening to it since.

There is something about Christmas music that takes me back to carefree days of yore. It’s just one of those things. Kind of like how catching lightning bugs recalls a happy evening of playing in my great grandma’s back yard, eating homemade popcorn reminds me of sleepovers at Grandma’s house, or seeing a van like the one at the left awakens fond memories of my college roommate. (She thought they looked like jellybeans. It's a fair point.)

The Christmas music did the trick. Even more than just feeling warm fuzzies, the lyrics evoke peace in my soul. It’s hard to feel heavy-hearted when you’re singing about how the God of the universe took on flesh and dwelt among us. And yes, I used the correct verb there. If the music is on, this mama is singing along! (My poor children.)

O Holy Night is my all-time favorite. The soul feels it’s worth. Hope thrills us. The weary world rejoices. Chains will be broken, and oppression will cease. I can barely get through it without choking up every single time. (And as if that all weren’t enough, this clip was one of my family’s favorite commercials as a child. It was recorded on our trusty VHS tape, so it got lots of views.)

Another favorite is I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day. I guess you could say it encompasses everything I’m trying to express about the power of Christmas music. It tells the story of a man who despairs at the lack of peace on earth, but then the Christmas bells remind him of the truth.

God is not dead.

The wrong will fail, the right prevail.

One day there will be peace on earth. Even cancer, pain, heartache, and problems of every kind will cease. Until then, we find peace in Christ for the moment and hope in Christ for the future.

There are SO many more Christmas songs that I could list, but I will spare you. I don't think I've ever given the thumbs up to so many songs on a Pandora station.

Honestly, I have been surprised at how the Christmas music has enhanced rather than detracted from my feelings of thankfulness. This might sound cheesy, but I don’t think I’ve ever been more thankful during the Thanksgiving season than I have this year. Just being honest.

And just because businesses focus on Christmas for selfish reasons, doesn't mean that I have to. What they meant for profit, I will instead use for joy.

2012- Just before the fight broke out

As far as the tradition thing goes, trying new things has never been a big deal to me. There are plenty of other traditions that will continue, including the decoration of our tree just after Thanksgiving. Not to mention, listening to the Christmas music earlier can just become the new tradition. I'm just adding to it, not taking it away.

I’m not saying everyone has to convert to this way of thinking. To each his own. (Though it often seems the complainers, not the grateful folks, are most vocal with their anti-Christmas music sentiments.) I just know that in the future, I’ll probably be letting loose with some pre-Thanksgiving Christmas tunes. Christmas means hope, and hope makes me especially thankful.

Going over to the dark side has been far better than I imagined. If you give it a try, you might just be as surprised as I was. Unless you don't like Christmas music at all, in which case I have two words for you.

Bah humbug.

Our new husband vs. wife challenge!!

I’m a competitive girl. It doesn’t really matter what the game is. In the least bit whatsoever.

It can be, “Hey, let’s race to the car.” You better believe I’m gonna be hauling my butt to that car.

It can be a fun, easygoing, get-to-know-you game with a small group. I will absolutely keep a casual smile on my face while everything in me is fighting to come out on top of that seemingly insignificant challenge.

Heck, it can even be Candyland with the kiddos. Some exceptions are made for under five-year-olds, but only because it’s not really fun to beat them anyway. The competition is what makes the thrill of victory so satisfying.

Games at family gatherings invoke the strongest feelings of all. Somehow beating the ones we love the most just makes winning that much sweeter. What are families for if not to bring on some cutthroat competition?

It’s not even that I have to win. Once upon a time, losing might have involved accusations of cheating, throwing of pieces, giving the silent treatment, etc. Not anymore, though. I genuinely just enjoy the fun of the game. I like to be challenged, because it brings out my best effort.

This past Sunday, my pastor preached on challenges that we face in our lives. His point was that they force us to grow stronger in ways that everyday life allow us to remain soft. They grow our faith and show us what God can make us capable of. So naturally, what I took away from his message is that I need to challenge my husband to regular competitions!

Probably not what my pastor had in my mind, but after giving it a lot of thought, that was the application that I decided upon for my own life. In reality, I actually came up with the idea to challenge myself. My hubby Isaiah is not exactly the gamer that I am, though he does enjoy some friendly competition. As I was pondering the implications of the truth that challenges help us grow, and also considering my own constant desire for growth, I decided that a little challenge might be just what both of us needed.

And thus, the Weekly Wedded Challenge was born. (I considered Husband vs. Wife Deathmatch, but it didn’t have the same ring to it.)

There’s not a whole lot to the Weekly Wedded Challenge, but I’ve already established that all I need is a smidge of competition to move my butt into action. At the start of every week, Isaiah and I will issue each other a new challenge. Here are the rules. (Every serious gamer needs rules.)

1. The challenge can be big or small, but it has to be completable during the one week time frame. (e.g. Climbing Mt. Everest or losing thirty pounds are not acceptable goals.) 

2. The point of the challenge should be to help the other spouse grow in an area where they are weaker. For example, exercising daily would be a great goal for lazy old me, but Isaiah already does that, so it wouldn’t help him grow. (Tasks that are motivated by selfishness on the part of the task giver are also prohibited, such as pawning off all your own responsibilities.)

3. Both parties must agree that the tasks are reasonable and helpful.

4. No excuses. The tasks are practical and agreed upon ahead of time, so a “busy week” or something to that effect is not an acceptable reason to shirk on their completion.

5. Whoever completes their challenge will be the recipient of a back and/or foot massage. (And not from Jo Jo's Asian Massage .) The reward may change in the future, but for now our budget/time constraints don’t allow for anything too crazy. Plus, that’s really not the point of the challenge, merely an extra perk.

Just to give an actual example, my goal for him this week is to read Corrie ten Boom’s “The Hiding Place.” (It’s only about 200 pages long.) His goal for me was to get rid of everything in our bedroom that we don’t use. The fact that neither of us were crazy about our goal is a sign that we chose some good ‘uns. He doesn’t read very often (unless you count Drudge Report), and I feel overwhelmed and shut down when I think about organizing and keeping our children alive at the same time.

I have high hopes for this new tradition of ours. It’s not because the challenge is some radical new life-changing idea, but rather the opposite. I don’t do well with radical changes. Not because I don’t like them, but just because I don’t stick to them. Small, step-by-step changes are much more helpful for me. I need habits and schedules to get goals accomplished. Which is, um, usually why I don’t accomplish many of them.

Turning our goals into a competition is helpful not only because we want to beat each other, but also because we can hold each other accountable throughout the week. I will always know at least one thing that he's trying to accomplish over the next seven days. Not to mention we can motivate each other via trash talk and the like.

Isaiah and I have talked about getting better at teamwork for years. We’re a great match in a lot of ways, but usually working in conjunction is not one of them. I forget to tell him things until the last second, and he forgets to tell me pretty much everything except for how much money is in our bank account. The challenge is a way to include each other in goals, especially since it’s often painfully obvious in what ways the other needs to improve. We were meant to be an encouragement and help to each other. This is just one more way for us to grow together. Iron sharpens iron, after all.  

So it's week one, and he’s already a third of the way through the book. Meanwhile, I have yet to throw away a scrap of paper. But I’m not worried. I’ve got all week to procrastinate.

Game on!!!

Why I disagree with JMU's anti-gay preacher

I have to admit that when I first saw this video posted on facebook last week, I wasn’t sure what to think about it. For anyone who doesn't care to watch it, the video shows a group of JMU students singing about the love of Jesus in response to a man whom the media dubbed a "homophobic preacher." My initial response to the title was that the singing was probably a great idea, but unfortunately I couldn’t pick up anything of consequence that the preacher was saying in this clip. I thought it could possibly be just another exaggerated use of the word homophobic.

Since then, I have seen several articles posted about the event. They helped me understand the brouhaha a little better, especially the one with a few direct quotes from the preacher that day.

"All homos are going to hell!"

"All you horny frat boys that love to do drugs and get drunk, you are going to hell!" 

But what clinched my final take on the situation was hearing the tale from the anti-gay preacher himself. Here are just a few highlights.

"Within the hour there were over 200 students in the area, and The Holy Ghost and I made sure to openly reprove and rebuke them for their sins against God, and against each other."

"...we noticed a group of students lined up holding hand made signs, which obviously were meant to judge and condemn us."

" False teachers and professing Christians (male and female) rudely interrupted me and attempted to 'preach' their little ‘sermonette’s,’seeking to undermine the preaching and the authority of God’s word which was forcefully condemning them and their selfish lifestyle. An incident including a sinful and intolerant young man playing a love song on an acoustic guitar..."

"We are thankful that God has showed us such favor, in allowing us to be used to stir up the campus and city as he did for the Kingdom of His Son."

Such an ironic choice of words from this guy...

I had the, er, privilege of reading a few of his other blog posts as well. This included the one where he reveals that Christians no longer sin. Ever. (Think I must have taken it out of context? I beg to differ.) Root problem, right there. I'm not saying we can trace all of this guy's problems back to this one belief, but I believe it says a great deal about his behavior. When someone believes that they're immune to sin, then they automatically consider any criticism as persecution from the devil. (Martyr complex, anyone?) After all, it's impossible for them to be in the wrong. Whatever pops into their mind (traveling around to multiple college campuses to rebuke students, just as a random example) becomes tantamount to the voice of God itself.

Paul himself spoke of his ongoing battle to master fleshly desires. He did what he didn't want to do and didn't do what he wanted to do. I can relate. It is my greatest desire is to daily take up my cross and follow Christ. Yet somehow, I still fall short of His best every day. Oh, but not guys like this. Somehow they've managed to achieve perfection. They're on par with God Himself. Such a foolish and dangerous belief.

Nut Job and I do agree on one point, though. God is holy. What we do not agree on is everything else. No, I take that back. He wrote a post about how that guy who predicted the end of the world in 2011 would be wrong. We agree on that point, too. 

Back to God's holiness, though. He is a holy and perfect God. I've never heard  anyone disagree that this is the Bible's claim. Romans 3:23 tells us that all have sinned and fall short of God's glory. We all need the grace and mercy provided through the death of Jesus Christ. The all-confrontation-is-bad crowd opposite Mr. Perfection errs when they fail to acknowledge that a holy God cannot abide with sin. 

I have no problem with an individual who wants to proclaim that we all need Christ. We do. But sin is not where the story ends. Preachers who focus on everything we're doing wrong give the impression that salvation is based on our works. That if homosexuals became heterosexuals and the frat boys stopped drinking and doing drugs, they would no longer be on their way to hell. That's a lie, and t
hey do injustice to the beauty of Christ's redemptive story. "Stirring up the campus" is not the equivalent of preaching the need for repentance. When God called us to be bold, I'm fairly certain He didn't mean spouting off whatever we don't like about those around us. Common sense doesn't leave as the Holy Spirit arrives.

Let's be honest. Who doesn't know that the Bible speaks out against homosexuality? I'm not saying that some don't try and explain it away, but in order to do so, you have to know it's in there.  The fact that we all fall short and need to accept the forgiveness Christ offers is probably much less well known. Still inflammatory, but exceedingly more important. Trying to purposely make people angry is not the great commission. Yelling condemnations in a public forum doesn't make you faithful- it makes you ineffective, and that's really the main point I'm trying to make here.

The most important lesson we need to take away from this news story is what sharing the Gospel should look like. It's not a pat answer, either. It's not universal, and it doesn't apply to every situation.

Paul speaks to this reality in I Corinthians:19-23. His words shed light on how exactly we are to carry out the great commission. "Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings."

People are different. They have different families, backgrounds, socioeconomic statuses, life experiences, educations, cultures, and so on and so forth. My husband went on a missions trip to India a couple years ago, and it was astonishing how different the church looks over there. They express their faith differently, preach the Gospel differently, treat each other differently, and more. Not because Americans are better, but because we are different. Those who fail to recognize that people do not all learn in the same way will inevitably be ineffective ministers to anyone not similar to themselves. Any time a missionary prepares to go overseas, they learn what the culture is like where they're going. It is not immoral. It doesn't indicate that they are "watering down the truth." They want to minister in a way that the people understand, and so should we in our own country.

My theology professor described the changing of societal norms as a pendulum swing. Rather than bringing extremes to a balance, society will usually end up at the complete opposite extreme.Once upon a time, morality (though not the equivalent of faith) was widespread in America. It was preached dogmatically, and everyone everywhere felt free to be up in your business. People got tired of this and went to the other extreme, where anyone who challenged your thinking or behavior was considered judgmental or intolerant. Neither of these ways of thinking are correct.

I was recently involved in a facebook debate in which the initiator was emphasizing God's wrath over his love. One participant stated, "Frankly I much prefer someone who errs on the side of not being
nice to someone who regularly avoids telling the truth to avoid being offensive." Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why err at all? Why not just try and encompass the whole of Scripture into the way that we interact with others? We can be truthful and kind at the same time. People will still accuse you of hate, but no need to prove them right.

One fault is not lesser than the other. It is not okay to be hateful or skirt the truth. Love is always kind, AND it always speaks the truth. Just because our human nature wants to fall to one side of the spectrum does not mean that the Holy Spirit can't give us the power to maintain the proper balance. Three words: First Corinthians thirteen. Love is all those things, simultaneously! Remembering that our battle is not against flesh and blood can help maintain a proper perspective. Without love, we are the equivalent of a clanging gong.

Pointless. Without love, we are pointless. Strong words.

As a parent, I find it helpful to think of how I teach my children. I'm not saying everyone else thinks like children, rather I'm referring to my own attitude and behavior. I can disagree with my kids without resorting to name calling or threatening hellfire. I can explain why because I genuinely want them to understand, not so I can win an argument. I would never try to purposely rile up my children or ridicule them. Nor would I leave out the truth or water it down. I want them to know it, because I care about them. Accepting every behavior they exhibit would be disastrous. And yet, even with each of them, our conversation looks a little different. I teach each one differently, and I communicate love to each one differently. It is for their sake, despite the fact that it would be easiest for me to teach and love in the way that comes naturally to me.

If you're ministering to a crowd who is easily offended, and I would say on a college campus you almost certainly are, then yelling statements you know will make them angry is probably not going to draw any of them to Christ. On the opposite spectrum, only teaching that God loves everyone without emphasizing a need for repentance and surrender will not draw anyone to Christ either. At least not in a meaningful way- we don't want to sow seeds that are easily scorched by the sun or plucked up by a bird.

Thinking about this story has really challenged me. I need to do better, probably most of us do, at paying attention to the needs of others. Sometimes I need to be more patient, and sometimes I need to be bolder, firmer. It is the Holy Spirit who influences people to come to repentance, but we are the body of Christ. We are the salt and the light. We are Christ's hands and feet. We represent Him to the world.

Hypocrisy has done more damage to the cause of Christ than probably anything. The world needs to know that Christianity is not just a big show. God's promises are true. They need to know that He genuinely does change us. We still mess up (sometimes big), but it is Christ who gives us the strength to get back up again. And almost anyone can tell you, Christians are supposed to be known for our love.

We're not just zealots who want to shove our morality down others' throats. (Are we?)

We're not just trying to win arguments about whether a certain behavior is right. (Are we?)

We're not just trying to convert people to our religion. (Are we?)

We're not just trying to make everyone feel good about themselves. (Are we?)

We're not trying to define love as acceptance of sin. (Are we?)

All things to all people. I don't think it looks like sharing the gospel message only in the way that makes us feel comfortable, be that harsh or soft. The emphasis is on the receiver, not the giver. If it is genuinely out of love that we proclaim truth, then let us proclaim both truth and love.

"I do all this for the sake of the gospel..."